I've been having a hard time at the moment. Actually, If I am honest, I have been having a hard time for a few years now…. I am just good at hiding it by making other people laugh and seeming positive, and generally just not talking about what's really going on in the fog that is my mind!
I do my best to work hard, do better, make lists of things I should be doing, beat myself up (not literally) when I am tired but I still have things to do- and often not doing any of it because of the pressure I put on myself and then I can't think straight and oh look Youtube, then feel bad because I was not productive enough.
I also constantly think about money and how I can earn more. As someone who is only allowed to work twenty hours a week on a student Visa during term time- this can be quite limiting, particularly when I always need money to pay for new visas but also have a lot of money in the bank account to show I am not a burden to NZ but I also need to pay rent, food, and enjoy myself- It can be a little difficult and very mind consuming!
That being said, when I do take a step back, I realise I have many things to be thankful for and for now, things are not that terrible…
I Live in a nice house, in a nice area, by myself- This is a blessing to me! Granted, it would be cheaper to live with other people, but it would also make me more unhappy. I have to admit, despite being a sociable person, I really don't like living with other people. I love being able to go home and do whatever I want with no drama. The only living creature I have to take nonsense from is my pet rabbit, Malcolm! I am more than ok with this
I have a job I really like that is stress-free and I am out meeting new people- I love my job and I also love that at least twice a week, I have a reason to leave the house and talk to people.
Being a student means I have prospects others may not have- It does cost a lot but I do not have the fear that some of my friends have as they are on work visas. I don't want to get into details here about work visas and the stress it can cause, but believe me, anyone who does not need a visa to be in NZ is extremely lucky.
It is ok to take time to myself! Relax and do something else- if I am going to not get enough work done because I am stressed, I may as well stop and put things into perspective. I have found that I get more work done when I am not putting too much pressure on myself and I am getting more things done during the day.
I am grateful that I am taking more time to care about myself- I do a lot of reading on how to make my life better! One of the things this keeps reminding me to do is to look after myself because I deserve it. I am grateful to be doing this as it feels better and I am becoming a lot happier. I never really thought about how this actually improves my life as my self-care also involves cooking, cleaning, more active and generally being more productive.
I have a great family- The biggest blessing in my life and definitely the most supportive people in my life. I am close to my parents and I very thankful for this. My life would be a lot harder without their support, particularly from my Mum.
My friends- I have many great friends who are there for me and will listen if i need to rant to them
My rabbit Malcolm- of course, my rabbit was going to be mentioned on this list! He is rather cute and awesome after all!